Where is Sam?

Disclaimer--This is long, and I am not going to read through it and fix any mistakes or change anything. So, I apologize in advance for any mistakes you may find as you read it, and for my rambling. I've got to go give Kevin a bath:)

Most of you (as if anyone even reads this) may wonder why all of the sudden I started posting everyday after so many months of posting every once in a while. Sam knows though--she is the reason. And I don't even know if she reads this anymore. I don't know a lot. I have been going through a lot the past 3 months, and today I have decided to blog about it. Maybe by doing this it will make some sort of sense in my mind. I hope.

Years ago, before I was even pregnant with Kevin, Matt and I both felt that we should adopt. It was a constant nagging that wouldn't go away. We looked into it, feeling pretty stupid and selfish because we already had 4 children. But there are times, lots of them, in my life when the Lord speaks to me in ways that I can't ignore. So I am learning to not question Him, and just act on how I feel. After we looked into it for a little while, we found out I was once again pregnant. We had felt for years that our family wasn't complete, but every time I got pregnant, I would loose the baby in the first trimester. So the adoption education was put off while I was put on partial bed rest and many prayers were said that this baby would come healthy and I would live through it all.

In January of 2008 our 5th little miracle arrived. Healthy and strong. It was the only birth of my 5 boys that I wasn't awake for. The doctor had to put me out because the spinal wasn't taking. I have a really hard time coming out of being drugged like that. I would wake up, only not all of the way awake, and beg to know if my baby was okay. Was he blue? Was he breathing? What did he look like? Was he blue? Was he blue? Over and over the fears came, and I couldn't get my body to wake up enough to see for myself. Matt was so good to sit right next to me holding my hand, with little Kevin in his arms, telling me over and over and over again that he was just fine and healthy as could be. He even placed him in my arms at one point to see if that would ease my fears. But I couldn't keep a hold of him because of those stupid drugs :).

Now Kevin is 3. And what a 3 year old he is! After he was born, we just let adoption slip out of our minds. We knew that we still needed to adopt, but Kevin was so much to handle that the thought of another baby threw me for a loop. I kept telling Heavenly Father that I had 5 children to raise, and that was more than I could handle on a lot of days. Well, He gently worked with me, letting me get used to the idea of busy little Kevin, and then started prompting me in those ways I just couldn't ignore again. So back to adoption education we went.

We looked into several different agencies, but only felt complete peace with LDS Family Services. We are registered on itsaboutlove.org. We have been for just over a year now.

On February 16, 2011--just before feeding my family dinner, I checked my e-mail. I was SHOCKED to see a message from Samantha, she is pregnant with twin girls. Thus began a roller coaster of emotions that I can't even begin to describe. If you have adopted, then you will understand. If you haven't, there is no way to let you understand. That's just how it is.

Sam and I started e-mailing on a weekly basis. Me getting to know her, and her getting to know us. I felt like the best way for her to really get to know my family was to see my blog. So, I gave her the address and told her I would try and be better at blogging. For over a month we e-mailed, chatted online, and even talked on the phone once. I feel a connection with Sam that I really didn't know was possible. I love her, and I really don't even know her. I have never met her. I have only seen one picture of her, and she has sunglasses on, so I'm sure she could walk right up to me and I wouldn't even know it was her. I know, you think I am crazy. All I am doing is trying to follow the promptings of my Heavenly Father. I just want to do what He wants me to do. That's all, nothing more and nothing less.

There are days, when I am discouraged and my children are testing me with patience that I wonder why I am doing this. I have even had moments that I have just starting laughing my head off because here I am begging Heavenly Father to bless me with more children, twins even. Seriously, that's like asking to have no life and no sleep for years. Here I am, my youngest child is potty trained, sleeps through the night, and loves to play with friends. I have time each and every day to myself. And I pray constantly to be blessed with more children to keep me running. If not these little girls, then which ever ones the Lord has in mind for me. Am I crazy?! But I can not deny the feelings I have. The promptings I have felt. The Lord's hand in my life. Yes, I want my family all here and complete. I want to raise the children I promised to. I want to see Matt hold his little girls hand, kiss all the ouchies better, and teach them to dance. I want to feel complete. So when that day happens, and I haven't slept or showered for days because my blessings are taking every second of my day and night, I will come back and read this and remind myself of how much I prayed for this miracle in my life. And the Lord will strengthen me through it all. He will never give me more than I can bear. I am already amazed at what He has carried me through the past 3 months. He will continue to be there for me, and my family, and you:)

6 weeks ago the e-mails from Sam stopped as fast as they had come. I went weeks without hearing a thing. I cried, prayed, complained, wondered, prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Sam had told us that she was either going to place the girls with us or raise them herself. We have told her we support her no matter what she decides. And we do. Only she can be told what Heavenly Father wants for these little girls--I know, I have tried to get Him to tell me and He won't:).

In the past 6 weeks I have got 1 e-mail from Sam. When I went for just over 3 weeks without hearing from her, I was sure that she was searching for an answer. The girls will be here in a month, or less. So when I heard from her, I was just sure she would have a decision. But, as I said before, no one-unless they have adopted, can know what I am going through. And that goes for her too. Unless you have been in her shoes, which I haven't, you can't know what she is going through. So I have no clue what she is dealing with right now.

There isn't a prayer said in our home that doesn't include Sam and the girls. We want the best for them, all of them. So for now, we wait. Matt and I check the e-mail constantly. Me all day long at home, Matt every night right before he falls asleep, and every morning right when he wakes up, he grabs his phone and checks it again. I have even woke up to him checking it at 3:00 in the morning because he can't sleep. The kids ask if we have heard from her. We all wait and wonder--Where is Sam?