The Lord's Will

I was up pretty late last night studying.
Matt asked me to speak in church on Sunday......seriously.
The worst part is that he told me to choose my topic.
Ugh!
So I stayed up studying and going from one thing to the next.
This in part is what I feel driven to talk about.
I LOVE it....so please take a minute to view it.

http://youtu.be/Rr8xvw0cgw0

I think it's time for me to come to head with all of my feelings and questions that have been going through my mind about adoption. The why? and what did I not learn that I should have? The wondering what's going on in Sam and the girls lives? All the unanswered questions that are constantly in the back of my mind.  I need to open up and talk about it all.  I haven't wanted to because I don't understand it myself. But I still cry and wonder. So it's time.

And knowing the Lord's will for me, even if I don't understand it is the best way to bring it all out :).
Not in my talk on Sunday, but in my own mind.
Who knows how the talk on Sunday will go......maybe I will take 2 min and leave the rest to Matt :)!

So, I've been reading my journal and past blog posts.
A year ago I couldn't do that.
6 months ago I couldn't really do that.
The feelings were too raw.
The wondering was too great.
Don't read into this wrong.....I don't blame Sam or even wish she had made a different choice.
There was a time I did.
A time when I wondered if she would change her mind.
It was easier to deal with that way.
But over time I have come to realize that I had a different ending in mind than the Lord did.
I put my will above His.
I wanted to be a big shade tree, not a current bush :)
I couldn't see another way.
Why?
Because to me there wasn't another way that made any sense.
I felt driven for years to adopt.....of course that meant actually adopting.
Just like the current bush in the video must have felt....it takes YEARS for something to grow that big. Years!

Now the fire is no longer there.
In January of this year I called and pulled  our application for adoption.
It didn't feel right anymore.
I tried and tried to make it feel right.
I prayed that another birth mom would find us.
But even as I prayed I felt a change.
And I didn't want to feel it.
I wasn't ready to feel it.
I still long to have girls in my home.....but now is not the time.
And I have no idea why.
But I am no longer looking into adoption.
And for some unexplainable reason that feels right.
So I will trust in that.

I still hurt....a lot.
But that hurt is now centered around the unknown.
Sam hasn't e-mailed for longer than I can remember.
A year maybe?
I would have to look.
I felt so close to her.
Just like a sister.
So not knowing what is going on is the hardest part.
I invested my whole self into that relationship.....and I can't just let it go.
So I continue to pray for her and the girls.
And I continue to hope that someday I will meet them all and get to let them know how much I love them :)
Maybe in the next life..............

But, back to the will of the Lord and pruning.....like in the video link.
I remember I found that talk when Sam was still pregnant.
I loved it then as much as I do now.
I helps me put things in perspective.
It helps me remember that all of my pain, suffering, and learning is the Lord's way of making me into who He wants me to be.
And that's the best feeling of all!